Days Until Heartbreak/Gateway
there's a blockade where it's not supposed to be but i see a gateway for you to love me part eight of Days Until Heartbreak When I finally pick myself, I realize that I can't just keep pushing everyone away. Obviously I've lost Ice for now, but that doesn't mean I have to lose Aura too. I can get her back if she lets me. Unless I've ruined that relationship too. I first groom my fur to relax myself and then dry my eyes and head back towards the camp. I ignore the sounds around me of happy families and finally reach the inner territory where it's just my group. I enter camp quickly and I see Aura organizing the next round of patrols. Part of me urges me to hurry over and order Aura to go clean the dens again but I walk slowly, letting Aura finish. She's watching me carefully, as if worried that I'll be enraged that she's taking my position. When she's done, we're the only ones left in the clearing other than the guards at the Dump tunnel entrance. "Sorry," she says hurriedly, "You weren't in camp so they wanted to know who should go on patrol so I filled in for you. I'll go clean the dens now-" "No, it's fine," I interrupt, "I'm sorry." "Excuse me?" she splutters, half surprised. I'm not shocked that she has such a bemused expression. I've never, ever apologized for something I've done, even if it's my fault. The other cat is always the first to apologize or they just become my enemy. "I'm sorry," I repeat, "for pushing you away when I should have let you in." Relief floods on her face. I don't know why she's so forgiving. Aura's always forgiving, no matter how many times I snap at her, no matter how many times I try to ruin her life. I guess that's why she's my best friend. She's always there to pick me up whenever I fall and she's always capable of picking herself up (because I can't do it for her). "Its fine, Sari, do you want to talk about it now?" My face closes up. "No, not that, Aura. I just want you to be my best friend again." Wariness creeps into her gaze. She still nods and embraces me quickly, but I can tell we're not on good terms yet. "Of course, Sari, I've never stopped." I try to find a smile that will reassure her, but I've never been good at hiding my emotions. "Thanks for always being here for me, Aura," I murmur, "I'm sorry about...everything." She shakes her head, "No, it's fine. We're best friends, that's what we do." I stare at her for a moment, wondering if that's true. Would I'' stay by Aura's side no matter what? Am I as devoted to her as she is to me? ''No. I look away quickly and head towards my - our - den. "You can move back in if you want, though I'm okay if you don't want to share the den again. I'm going to take a quick nap." "I'll be over there soon." I head to my nest and curl up. It seems like lately I've just been sleeping, crying, and being with Ice. Maybe love does that to you too. Maybe loves limits your actions, limits your thoughts. Because love can be so very cruel. But then of course, I don't understand love very well. Sleep comes quickly to me. It drags me down and wraps me in its embrace, lulling me with its sweet lullaby. I fall for it. ~ I storm into his den without asking. Ice yelps and stands in an attacking pose. I freeze. "What in the name of the stars are you doing here?" Ice narrows his eyes, "Come to kill me off because I helped you?" "What?" I frown, "Why would I do that?" Ice shakes his head. "Why did you barge into my den? I thought you hated me." "I..." I'm at a loss of words, "I'm not welcome back at camp right now. I thought...you could help me." "Persuade a group of she-cats who also hate my guts?" Ice laughs without mirth, "You're a funny one, Sari. If I can't convince you, how can I convince them?" "You'd be surprised by how many of them would love you," I mutter, "But that's not what I need help with." He takes in me for the first time. He sees my tear-stained face and my red, puffy eyes. "Make yourself comfortable," he waves his tail, "I'll go catch something for you to eat." I settle gratefully in his nest and I find myself sobbing again the moment Ice leaves. Perhaps I should just give the authority to Aura and live with Ice. But what if he doesn't even like me? I would have no where to go. He comes back and lays the prey in front of me. He doesn't touch me. He hasn't touched me. Well unless I count the time I was unconscious. I suddenly have a funny thought: What if he had wrapped leaves around me to prevent touching me? I snort without thinking. Ice raises an eyebrow. "What part of me grooming my fur is funny?" "Nothing," I choke out, "I was just thinking." This makes Ice smirk. I've come to love his smirk. It makes me feel like he's actually flirting with me. "Thinking about what, dear?" His eyes widen at his words. A few days ago Ice would have said that just to annoy me. But now? I don't know what's going on in his mind. I ignore it. "Just...things." Ice relaxes slightly. "Eat up, Sari, you'll need your strength." I'm surprised he remembers my name. "Thanks for being here for me," I whisper, "Really." Ice shrugs, "Well you know where I am if you ever need me. Now I think I might head out a bit. Do you want me to stay or something?" "Please," my voice drops down into a barely audible tone. The white tom's blue eyes unnerve me. He settles down in front of me, close enough that I could reach out and touch him. I instantly erase that thought. It's bad enough I'm here with him. "I know you don't love or anything," Ice says abruptly, "but if you ever did, what would you give that cat?" "A rose," I say, "I feel like that's the sweetest gift you can give them." Ice has a distant look in his eyes. "No, the sweetest gift you can give them is love. Your love." He gazes at me. There's some sort of pain in his eyes that makes my heart twinge. ~ I jerk awake. A rose, I feel like it's the sweetest gift you can give them. Memories of that day floods back to me. That's it. That's what I'll give Ice. Hopefully he'll remember our conversation. I get up quickly and weave my way towards the camp entrance. Aura is sleeping soundly near the entrance and when she stirs, I whisper, "Go back to sleep, I'm just doing a quick night hunt." For roses and love. She glances at me blearily and shrugs before resting her head again. At least she's not hounding me anymore; it was worth apologizing. I slip out without talking to the guard (they've long learned to question me) and I head towards the Flower Garden, which houses all the flowers you can find on the territory. I pick out a rose and head over to Ice's place. I poke my head inside and notice him sleeping. For a moment, I contemplate waking him up and having a night with him. I quickly banish the thought. Ice made it clear that he didn't want me right now, and I was still hurt by the fact that he would go out with someone like Shineblossom. I leave the rose at the entrance where he'll see it when he leaves tomorrow morning. Then I turn and disappear back into the night, feeling lighter than I've ever have.